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Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Beer and St. Thomas Aquinas

Father Schnippel has posted a wonderful blessing for beer. Yes, beer. Mmmmmmmm...beeeeer. But the Thomist in me wonders...is a beer blessing... um...kosher? Can beer be blessed? So, since this blog is in need of levity, humor, and wit, and something for the geek, too, well, I've researched and researched and have discovered this little-known clip of the Summa Theologica that apparently was left on the editing-room floor. It was found near one of the quashed records from the early Church that proved the authorship of the Gospels (in addition to the writings of the Early Church Fathers), so, given the state of modern "Catholic" scholarship today, it's no surprise that we don't often hear of the ancient blessing of beer. So, without further ado, here's a little artifact for all you Thomists out there; let your soul be refreshed...and let temperance be your guide!


Whether the blessing of beer is proper and can be justified?

Objection 1. It would seem that the impropriety of blessing the intoxicating liquid commonly called "beer" should be obvious to one and all who aspire to living a life of sanctity. As beer can be quickly intoxicating and thus eliminate the inhibitions of properly-sober persons, the action of "blessing" the beer would seem to give license not only to intoxication, but also to limited mental faculties that lead one into sin.

Objection 2: Further, blessing beer creates a temptation and an occasion of sin. When sober, a man has the use of full reason consistent with his intellectual capacity, however, the use of beer can diminish what reason he possesses. In the diminishment of reason, one may determine that something otherwise considered to be sinful would in fact be pleasent and "good", and thus, the beer would have lead said person down a path away from reason and towards sin. Such a thing is a temptation and thus the blessing can be termed to be "an occasion of sin."

Objection 3: Further, beer is a beverage not consumed at holy events, but in bars, backyard barbecues, and keg parties for the sake of imbibing great quantities for the intended purpose of intoxication. It should not be imbibed at all, and other intoxicating liquids should also be avoided for one trying to live a life in God's grace.

Objection 4: It is scandalous to the faithful to bless beer.

On the contrary, It is written (Jn 2:3) "When the wine failed, the mother of Jesus said to him, 'They have no wine'". Even further, it is written in reference to the 30-gallon jars meant for ritual purification, that they be filled to the brim. In this, the first miracle of Jesus (Jn 2:7), Jesus changed that water into wine for the feast, and He provided a quantity fit to intoxicate a crowd of their own volition. Thus we see that although the scriptures mention abundant wine, they do not mention beer.

I answer that, beer was not an ingredient of celebration in biblical times, however that does not imply that the invention of it is ungodly, only different but similar in effects to the predecessor which was wine.

Reply to Objection 1: Good beer was created from earthly ingredients freely given by God for this purpose. Good beer was created from especially tasty elements and was designed not for embarassing consumption but to be sipped in fellowship and enjoyed as with a good wine. The intoxicating properties are limited through the virtue of the one who consumes the beverage. Beer consumed in proper amounts does not inhibit the life of sanctity.

Reply to Objection 2: As in the reply to Objection 1, although beer can be a temptation to sin by some, it is not a temptation to sin for all. I further answer that food can be a temptation for some, but that does not inhibit our need to ask God to bless our food. To argue that beer cannot be blessed because it may be a temptation and occasion for sin is fallacious; for that point to be true, those who are tempted to gluttony must not have their meals blessed, if they eat at all! Thus, blessing beer does not enter one into an occasion of sin.

Reply to Objection 3: I answer that beer is also consumed at fine meals and at family events, taken with food, and limited in quantity. Just as wine with dinner is not automatically drunk to intoxication, thus is beer. Beer is no different from wine in this regard. To argue against blessing beer is to argue against allowing wine to be blessed with the meal. Jesus himself consumed wine at Passover and had beer been created, he would likewise have consumed beer. Yet we do not read of Christ and his Apostles drinking to intoxication at the Last Supper.

Reply to Objection 4: It would seem that it is NOT scandalous to bless beer. As we also bless food and consume it, thus we must also bless beer to be consumed with the food, for its elements too, are gifts from God, as are our friends and family. It must be observed that the blessing must call to mind right use of those gifts, which further enables us to focus on the virtues of temperence and charity, while unblessed food or beer could lead us to treat those gifts and ourselves callously. Thus, we see that the blessing of beer would not only be spiritually advantageous, but could, in fact, draw one into a closer union with God through the increased virtue inspired by the blessing. Especially if the blessing is stated in Latin.

Further, the only thing that would cause the blessing to be scandalous would be if the priest blessed the beer and then refused access to the rest of the present faithful.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Moving On...

I've made some decisions today:

First, a decision I made this morning is that I will not be pressing charges because it would be pointless. However, should the need to do so arise, I have evidence and can move forward. There is great freedom in this.

Secondly, I have affirmed the decision to file a police report, for had I not, I would not now be indemnified (which I have been via the company itself), and for my own protection should this happen again. I can't afford to pay for the cost of someone else's actions or to be held accountable for said person's actions. My documentation protects my rights and I'm satisfied with that.

Thirdly, I'm removing the posts; I can't move on past the situation if I'm responding to comments of any kind. So the posts with regard to the actions of the last 24 hours are gone, I'm going to Confession and Mass tonight, which is what I seem to do on most Tuesdays, and as it promises to be a beautiful evening I'll likely take my dog for a nice walk. We both need the fresh air after the oppressive humidity of yesterday! The windows are open, the breeze is blowing through, and tonight I'll be able to sleep!

Other issues....

Financially I'm in trouble, because my secondary summer job is not going to give me many hours, if any at all. For now I'm OK, maybe will scrape by, and I'm hoping for the best.

An hour of Adoration before Mass will help give me some peace, I think. Please pray for me...there's a lot going on in my life, a lot of things that will never see the light of my blog, and I'm not going to make it if I don't get my spiritual life in order.

*

Sunday, July 06, 2008

Endless Fields of Corn


Sarah has a wonderful post up that brought back images from my own childhood, reminding me of the unfulfilled farmer-girl still somewhere inside me.

My Mom grew up on a farm in southern Minnesota, so as we were growing up, we learned about farm life even while driving country roads in Illinois, with the river on one side and endless fields of waving stalks on the other. Summer has always brought to mind images of green summer fields, stalks growing taller by the day, the rows seeming impossibly straight, and constantly fascinating.

We were told to NEVER wander into a cornfield, for while the rows appeared straight, they weren't always and people would get lost and end up wandering in circles, unable to find their way out. She warned us of the ticks and the bugs (always a terror to me), wanting to be certain that we did not get the idea that we could go for a walk in these fields. "Pa", as she called Grandpa, had given these same warnings to her and all her brothers and sisters, so as Mom warned us, she echoed the love in Grandpa's voice, and the worry of a parent.

In our little hometown in Illinois, I still remember the diner on the short Main street that we'd go to on occasion. A loud air conditioner rattled in the window as the door opened and closed with a BANG!, allowing local farmers to wander in and out freely between the fairly cool interior and the humid summer afternoon. They sat at tables and counter stools with their friends, resembling grown-up versions of the pictures that graced the walls. What farming town hasn't seen the pictures of the two boys on a dirt road, one looking dejected while the other asks, "Been farming long?" As I sat and gobbled the most perfect hamburger in the afternoon and enjoyed one of Ma's famous Malts, I'd stare at that photograph and contemplate the meaning.

I was always entranced by that picture of children my age, and would look from them to the men who came in, wondering if those men were once the boys in the photograph.

It was a comfortable place, a wonderful hometown, and I knew that the people there were the ones responsible for the food we had on our table every day. Throughout the summer months, always, we had the corn and the hay to wave at us in the bright hot breezes; it was a time of life and increasing life, a time of hope, even in the oppressive humidity.

But Mom did not marry a farmer, and so my brother and I did not grow up on a farm, only surrounded by them. When we traveled to Minnesota on vacation, we were comfortable with the fields always surrounding us, and in the summer days at our Aunt and Uncle's farm or at Grandma's house at the "old homestead", we obtained a piece of history for our memories. I hope those memories never fade for they are beautiful in their simplicity.

I still remember the day in late July when Mom, one of the youngest of the family, pulled off the gravel road leading to the old farmhouse where Grandma still held down the fort. We'd grown up hearing about how we should NEVER wander into a field, but that day, Mom decided we needed to take a walk. So she lead us into the field, making sure we stayed together. I think she could see over the stalks, but we could not, and that is what she wanted us to understand. I didn't like it one bit; there were webs, and spiders, and we made my brother knock them down so I could pass through. It was a hot, breezy afternoon, and somewhere in the distance we could see a combine at work in another part of the field. We finally turned and headed out, and upon doing so, met the farmer who had seen us walking through the field. I don't think he knew Mom, but she explained who she was and what we were doing, so he actually also explained that we should never walk in a field, and that we needed to be sure to look out for ticks when we got to Grandma's house. I remember that he'd been very concerned to see us walking, and had come to our car to make sure we would make it out of the field safely. Mom was very apologetic and was somewhat chastized by the farmer, but he understood the lesson she was conveying and asked her to, next time, come knock on their door before walking in the field.

It's one of the funny memories of Mom; she ALWAYS instilled in us the necessity of asking permission before trespassing on someone's property, and the one time she did not follow her own advice, we were caught! Thus, Mom's advice was STILL held up by the very person we "offended."

In any case, that afternoon, we continued down the long gravel road that passed between one farm and the next, knowing the corn far more intimately than we ever had before. As soon as we found the horseshoe-shaped driveway that went around the old farmhouse, Mom was asking us to check for ticks. We were all covered in them; and she used this to remind us NEVER to walk in a field again, a warning I'm not sure we ever really needed. I CERTAINLY never had any inclination to enter a corn field, before or after that day!

When my family moved to Minnesota permanently, we lived in town for the first time, and sadly, I've been within city limits ever since then. But I love the countryside, I love the corn and the grasses and the prairie that forms the romance and the down-home feeling of the Midwestern states. In so many ways, I feel like I'm languishing in the world of pavement and fences and immaculately-planned lawns and housing deveopments.


I want the sunflowers and the dandelions, the violets, the crabgrass...and the corn. I want to look upon green fields and waving hayfields. I want to see the horses in the pasture, grazing contentedly. In essence, I want to live out the images of my childhood, images that have fed my imagination for years, but not my reality.


Corn is just as much a staple of my memories of childhood as it is a staple in a midwestern summer diet; it tastes of the warm humid afternoons and evenings, family gatherings, and if I concentrate hard enough, sometimes I can still feel the caress of the green stalks against my arms and my cheeks as we walked through a Minnesota field that summer day so many years ago.

I may be a city girl now, but I think I still have the soul of a country girl, still trying to find her way home.

Summer Potato Salad!

It's been awhile since I posted one of my "Foods I would serve Jesus" recipes, or, conversely, "Foods I would NOT serve Jesus", and so, today is that day.

On Friday, I had some wonderful potato salad at a friend's home, and it just gave me a craving for more. It's a warm, humid day with NO wind, so I thought...why not make potato salad to have with dinner tonight? Sure!

Growing up, Mom always made the salad with Idaho potatoes, but I tend to favor red, although I've never made it using the little red potatoes with the skins one. In fact, I haven't made this stuff for a couple of years!

So I went to the store after Mass and picked up the necessary main ingredients (I already have a 'fridge full of condiments) and I went to work. It wasn't long before I remembered exactly WHY I haven't made this salad in so long!

First, remember that it's a warm, humid day. And I'm trying hard not to turn on my air conditioning since I am short on money this summer anyhow (with the lack of work hours, increased gas, increased price for groceries....YOU know!). So as the humidity and temperature were going up inside my house, I was realizing the idiocy of my actions. Because of course I can't turn on the air if I'm in the process of heating up my house! Sheesh!

And then I overcooked the potatoes (meaning I had even MORE humidity than necessary in the house!), and went to work on the egg mixture, trying to get the flavor JUST RIGHT. And I chopped up the celery and thanked God I had picked up an onion at the store. And I had to sample the potatoes and the mixture to be sure it tasted right...the mix of mustard and egg and sweet onions and celery...mmmm.

So now the salad is chilling in the 'fridge, I'm STUFFED and no longer interested in eating it. And I'm not sure it's going to be very good, anyway. And funny thing about potato salad; as you have the ingredients separated, it doesn't look like very much. Because of course the egg yolks just become the "sauce". But no; when you put it all together, it's like it MULTIPLIES and become MORE...far more than one can possibly eat! But darn it, I had to PAY for those groceries so I'm going to eat potato salad until I turn into it...because I have enough to last me every meal for a WEEK! And as I don't think it'll be very good, well...this is going to be penance. And I'm REALLY GLAD Jesus isn't coming to dinner tonight. He'd never visit me again if I gave him this stuff!

But I'll give you the recipe anyway. Chances are that if you cook all the time, you won't overcook the potatoes or make too much of the stuff.

* a bunch of red potatoes, or russets, cut the eyes out. If using red, keep the skins on. If using russets, peel.

* a bunch of eggs.

Boil both...the potatoes should be soft but still slightly firm (i.e. not mushy) The eggs should be cooked so that the yolk is firm and pale yellow.

Peel the eggs, spoon the yolks into a bowl and mash them with a fork or something. Add lots of gooey mayo, mustard, and stir it all together. Add salt or pepper to taste. I actually added garlic salt.

Chop the egg whites, some onion and celery, and add it to the egg yolk. Stir it into the potatoes and put the entire mess in the 'fridge.

Clean the egg off the bowls, the cupboard doors, and the dog. Make sure all the onion bits are off the floor (they're poisonous to dogs). Take the garbage out because you just filled it up with random things from the refrigerator that aren't fit for human consumption and haven't been for a long time. (You discovered these items while hunting for a place to put the salad.) Rinse out the bowls and get the egg and mayo and mustard off the silverware, and get the potato off the knife or you'll never be able to use it again.

Then go take a nap while you wait for the house to cool down.

If I feel like eating this stuff later, I'll add an update.

Friday, July 04, 2008

Convicted

How can one possibly ever confess all of one's sins in even ONE category? One of the readings from Morning Prayer today truly stood out to me and brought to mind my recent "series" on the topic of anger. And some will recall how I nearly quit blogging some time ago, tired of the snarkiness surrounding us all.

Ephesians 4:29-32

Never let evil talk pass your lips; say only the good things men need to hear, things that will really help them. Do nothing that will sadden the Holy Spirit with whom you were sealed against the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, all passion and anger, harsh words, slander, and malice of every kind. In place of these, be kind to one another, compassionate, and mutually forgiving, just as God has forgiven you in Christ.


Did you catch that line? "Do nothing that will sadden the Holy Spirit with whom you were sealed against the day of redemption."

Saddening the Holy Spirit...through our actions. How many times we do allow evil to pass through our lips? Do we repeat gossip we've heard without questioning the source or the veracity of it? And even if it IS true...is the knowledge something that builds up others, or tears them down? Do others have the RIGHT to that knowledge? Or should it end when it reaches us?

So often, the blogosphere becomes an "echo chamber" and bad news or evil talk passes from one blog to the next, sometimes triumphantly, as though we are reveling in the misfortune or disaster or another. We just LOVE to criticize the dissidents, often forgetting quite conveniently that we were once in that category. Was it ridicule that brought us back, or the love of Christ through the Mercy of God the Father?

Tonight's Evening Prayer carries on with this theme:

Romans 15:1-3

We who are strong in faith should be patient with the scruples of those whose faith is weak; we must not be selfish. Each should please his neighbor so as to do him good by building up his spirit. Thus, in accord with Scripture, Christ did not please himself: "The reproaches they uttered against you fell on me."



It is not that we do not have the right and duty to defend the Truth; it is that we need to be patient and loving towards those who have had no experience with the Truth. We cannot be selfish, as we often are when we are confronted with those who claim to be Catholic and yet attack the Church. They attack because they do not understand, and they fear what they do not understand. We have to remember the patience of Christ, we have to be willing to be villified and crucified with Him, and in so doing, finally open the channels of grace that will bear fruit with those who attack.

We have to suffer for what and WHOM we love. We don't have to be great debators, and in fact, being so can often contradict the goal we have in mind. Only God knows what is needed, and we must be like Christ in patience and charity when we are confronted with those who attack from within. Anger is not a weapon against them; it is a weapon OF them and serves only to manipulate and cripple us in our endeavors both towards personal holiness and in providing an example to others.

We don't have to be experts in anything in order to do God's work, and we have no right to be angry when what has happened from the beginning of time is continuing to happen even in our age. We are all fallen creatures; to think of ourselves as better or more enlightened in the face of dissidents is to be selfish; for in our self-love we so easily forget that we are even now, as we speak, completely lost.

The Church does not NEED us to defend Her...she has the Holy Spirit. It is that the Church CALLS us to unite our sufferings and loyalty with Christ, and in so doing, build the Kingdom which in turn naturally defends the Body in true Charity.

And yet, we get so caught up in "issues" and what others are doing. Yes, we need to speak out and we are called to act, if not for ourselves, then for the faith of the weak, but we are NOT called to debase ourselves through gossip, calumny, and detraction.

We may judge actions but not persons. We may condemn things that are happening, but we cannot condemn the souls behind the events. We cannot forget that we, too, are fallen beings and even as we point out the sins of another, we cannot hide our own.

It's all about humility and truth...what is true for one is true for another. Even as we call others to conversion, we must delve into our own souls and call ourselves into account; to do otherwise is selfish.

I know that God has given me much, and He has given me faith; that gift can be taken away at any moment; it is not the gift or any merit of mine that makes me better or holy; it is God Himself. On my own, I can do nothing and on my own, I am lost. We are all the same.

God is merciful; let us imitate Him and remember that we are dust and that this earth holds nothing for us.
*

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Elusive as the Rainbow?

I'll never forget the moment. In the middle of a spring rainstorm, a friend and I looked out towads the forested bluffs surrounding the field adjoining our dorm. We were astounded to witness the end of a rainbow planted not far from the edge of the parking lot.

I can still remember staring in astonishment at the brilliant color rising out of the grassy field, into the sky, and over the low bluff that ran alongside the drive. We could look through the colors as through glass and see the trees waving in the breeze on the other side.

My friend and I stared at each other for a moment, both with the same idea; to stand bathed in that color!

Laughing, we both sprinted towards the end of the rainbow, not caring that there was no pot of gold. It would be enough to "touch" the refracted light that had, until that day, never been even CLOSE to tangible. That afternoon, the light seemed tangible and we could not pass up this opportunity!

I can still feel the rough pavement under my shoes turning into the soft grass of the field, and I can still remember the retreating colors, first to the end of the field, and then to the trees, and finally, into the bluffs, still visible against the rocky wall at the end of the ravine.

We knew we'd lost, and yet, it was a blessed moment; how many people have ever even SEEN the end of a rainbow, much less chased it in any hope of catching it?

Once again, today, in response to a comment from a friend, I was thinking about holiness and how elusive it seems.

Holiness is intangible, too, yet it can be possessed in a way that a rainbow cannot. At the same time, though, it seems that the pursuit of holiness is much like our experience in pursuing the rainbow; we can see it, we are close enough to touch it, and yet as we run towards it, it retreats far into the valley.

I can't truly compare this with authentic holiness, though, in that there is another dimension to consider. Holiness maybe only SEEMS to retreat, but in reality, as it "retreats" from our grasp, it is actually God beckoning us further, to follow that path even into thick forest and dark valleys. But the Promise still remains; we must only remain faithful and not give up.

I only wish that I could find the motivation to pursue holiness with as much effort as I had in that sprint on the day I sought to possess the rainbow.
*

The War Between Doubt and Faith


Jn 20:24-29

Thomas, called Didymus, one of the Twelve, was not with them when Jesus came. So the other disciples said to him, “We have seen the Lord.” But Thomas said to them, “Unless I see the mark of the nails in his hands and put my finger into the nail marks and put my hand into his side, I will not believe.”

Now a week later his disciples were again inside and Thomas was with them. Jesus came, although the doors were locked, and stood in their midst and said, “Peace be with you.”


Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here and see my hands, and bring your hand and put it into my side, and do not be unbelieving, but believe.”

Thomas answered and said to him, “My Lord and my God!”

Jesus said to him, “Have you come to believe because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and have believed.”

Today's gospel is one of my new favorites, and the more I read it, the more I see, and the more I am ashamed.

Just last night, I was praying about something big going on in my life, something that doesn't just affect me, but more importantly, it affects others. What I do or choose not to do right now could have an impact, although I'd rather not dwell too deeply on those thoughts. So I offered a simple prayer and I asked not for a "sign" per se, but rather, an affirmation that I'm doing the right thing. Or, conversely, that my actions be shut down completely if what I'm doing is outside of God's will.

Apparently it's not sufficient to me to be following what might be a prompt of the Holy Spirit and letting it take me where it will. Over the last several months as I've been following this path, doors have opened and doors have closed. What I need to do is learn patience and let God just answer rather than allowing my faith to falter becase I don't "see" what I think I'm supposed to see. God always has other plans; I don't think it's possible for we finite beings to be able to grasp God's vision of how things should be.

This morning I missed Mass, but I went to the chapel to pray and I brought my Liturgy of the Hours (when I can, I like to pray in the presence of the Blessed Sacrament.) In the Office of Readings was a portion of a homily by Pope St. Gregory the Great, and I both found that my own eyes were opened AND I was convicted by his words of wisdom. So I will allow St. Gregory to speak for himself:

"Dearly beloved, what do you see in these events? Do you really believe that it was by chance that this chosen disciple was absent, then came and heard, heard and doubted, doubted and touched, touched and believed? It was not by chance but in God's providence. In a marvelous way God's mercy arranged that the disbelieving disciple, in touching the wounds of his master's body, should heal our wounds of disbelief. The disbelief of Thomas has done more for our faith than the faith of the other disciples. As he touches Christ and is won over to belief, every doubt is cast aside and our faith is strengthened. So the disciple who doubted, then, felt Christ's wounds, becomes a witness too the reality of the resurrection."

Incredible. Even in our doubt, God in His mercy finds a way to bring our doubt to true faith. We, who live over 2,000 years after the resurrection, have never seen Christ in the flesh as He was when dear St. Thomas probed His wounds. Yet we believe, for the eyewitness testimony provided in John's Gospel informs and builds our faith. We believe because we know the testimony to be true even though we have not witnessed the event ourselves. Truly, if Christ came to stand before us now, would we believe more than we do when we are at Mass, and receiving the Body and Blood of Christ in Holy Communion?

We do not need to see in order to believe, thanks to the testimony of the doubting Apostle who revealed Truth from his own skepticism.

St. Gregory tells us in the same homily:
"What is seen gives knowledge, not faith. When Thomas saw and touched, why was he told: You have believed because you have seen me? Because what he saw and what he believed were different things. God cannot be seen by mortal man. Thomas saw a human being, whom he acknowledged to be God, and said: My Lord and my God. Seeing, he believed; looking at one who was true man, he cried out that this was God, the God he could not see."


In an ironic twist, Pope St. Gregory the Great points out the obvious; it is not what we see that gives us faith. In the words of St. Paul, "Faith is the guarantee of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." (LOH translation) What we can see and touch and explore informs our intellect, which in turn forms our ability to reason. It is in this very moment that the knowledge of St. Thomas is blended with his faith in the God in whom he believed, but could not see. There, before him was Christ Himself, both God and Man, the unity of whom gave him the ability to join intellect with faith.

It is this particular gospel that I was musing about some time ago that made me consider that indeed, Christ exists in human form, just as He did when He appeared to the Apostles. If He chose, Jesus could appear to us all in that form, and invite us all to explore the wounds in His hands, feet, and in His side and see that they are real. Yet, Jesus does not choose to do this; "Blessed are those who have not seen and have believed." We are more greatly blessed through the gift of faith, which asks of us also to make a conscious act of the will to believe. St. Thomas provides us with the evidence, standing in for us all in our own doubt.

Sometimes we all need some kind of affirmation when our will falters, and we fear we are leaving the path God has set us upon. And God, in His mercy, can respond with signal graces in order to reassure us. But in the abscence of those graces, we must consider the actions of St. Thomas and his initial outright REFUSAL to believe. Do we fall into that category? Do we refuse to believe if God does not respond to our demands? Or do we keep our hand to the plow, trusting that what God has revealed is true, and even as we labor, that we are being lead?

These are all questions we need to ask ourselves. Let us pray through the intercession of St. Thomas that we may always believe, especially in what has been revealed but has been unseen by ourselves.
*

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Selfless Singles?

I keep coming across the same message; in prayer, in Liturgy of the Hours, and in random articles. It's the message to live for others.

That happens to be a big failure of mine. Even when I’m doing something good for others, I think I’m still really doing it for myself, and it’s hard to shake that selfish motivation. For many of us, even when we don’t realize it, we are often doing what appears to be completely selfless things, while in the back of our minds we’re thinking, “What’s in it for me? How will this advance ME?”

I don’t mean to suggest that the good feeling that comes with doing the right thing, or for acting for someone’s betterment is wrong; I’m just suggesting that "what's in it for us" is not the factor that should motivate us to do ANYTHING. Loving others means putting them first and living our lives for them. It means letting our comfort take a back seat to the needs of those around us without considering whether or not we ourselves obtain some kind of temporal or spiritual benefit through our actions.

I think that’s one of the harder things in the single life; we tend to be more self-centered, probably because, not only do we not have people in our immediate vicinity that need us to respond to them, but because we have to survive. Just as we have no one to look out for, we also have no one to look out for US! In that kind of survival mode, we must be self-centered to a certain degree for our own practical protection.

The challenge is to find the balance; to find where it is necessary to indulge that survival mode, versus where we can and should drop that wall and fully engage in devoting ourselves for the benefit of those we say we love, whether it's our own family, our friends, or the neighbors next door.

I often consider the freedom I have as a single woman, and how blessed I am in so many ways. Yet I also feel guilty because I KNOW there's something more I should be offering, or perhaps I should be taking more notice of those around me who may need something that I can provide.

Monday, June 30, 2008

Losing a Parent

Several years ago, I read a book called "The God of Small Things" by Arundhati Roy, and while I don't remember a lot of the story, I do recall the one phrase and idea that holds me to this day.

One of the characters in the book spoke of death as something that leaves a "hole in the universe." So, when a family member passed away, it left, for example, a "Sophie-mol-shaped hole in the universe."

I loved that imagery, for I read that book after my own father had passed away, and it helped me to define that emptiness in my heart; for I realized it described perfectly what I suffered. I had a "dad-shaped-hole" in my universe. As Catholics, we don't tend to think of things in New-Age terms such as "universe", but rather, our beliefs are far more personal and substantial, just as our understanding of God's love for us is personal and substantial.

And so, when we lose someone close to us, they don't leave a particular-shaped-hole in the universe, but they leave that gaping hole in our hearts, and it is our hearts that we use to love them both here on this earth and beyond. We never lose our hearts for our hearts are joined to our souls.

To this day, I have a "Dad-shaped-hole" in my heart, although at the time of his death, that hole was bleeding and piercing and agonizing in its emptiness. We who have lost loved ones always experience this emptiness, and it is this sensation that is so awful and so wounding. Grief isn't about what is there..it's about what ISN'T there anymore, and because we can't grasp it, we suffer all the more.

We have to find something to fill that hole, that emptiness that has suddenly pierced us with an indescribable pain.

Over time, the wound heals, helped by our belief in the Resurrection, in God, in the sacrifice of Christ, and in our eternal existance. But here on earth, that person-shaped-hole of grief bleeds copiously for a long time. Even after it has healed, the scar remains in the exact same shape, and it is that scar that reminds us of the love we continue to have; as long as it hurts, we know we still love and we keep that person present with us, believing in eternity, hoping we will be reunited in the next life.

But we still need others to be present with us in our grief. They can't fill the hole in our hearts, but they can bleed with us, understanding us through their own losses, and in the lack of their own losses, be present through their love.

In the book of Job, in the very beginning, when Job sat in the ashes weeping, his friends joined him, and they wept with him, silently mourning his losses in union with him. We are all called to do the same.

We cannot understand the depths of another's pain, but we can join them in the ashes and we can weep with them and be present with them, in the moment and beyond. We can't heal the pain, but we can unite our own, and in friendship, love, and limited understanding, we can help the one who is grieving know that he is not alone and will never be alone.
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May God bless all those who are grieving, and fill that hole in their hearts with the love of Christ himself.

Prayers for Fr. Valencheck's Father

Father Valencheck requests prayers for the repose of his Father's soul; William Valencheck passed away yesterday morning (June 29). Please remember him, Fr. V., and their family in your prayers in this difficult time.

Réquiem ætérnam dona eis, Dómine,
et lux perpétua lúceat eis.
Requiéscant in pace. Amen.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

A Disappointment to God

"The essence of spirituality is contained in this phrase: 'complete and utter abandonment to the will of God.' By that I mean we should never think of ourselves, but be continually occupied with loving and obeying him. We must put aside all those fears, those uneasy broodings, those qualms of conscience, and those anxieties which can arise from the concern we have for achieving holiness and our salvation. As God wants to look after all our affairs, let us leave them all to him so that we can concentrate our whole attention on him....Let us take good care not to get foolishly involved in all those fears and doubts which, like paths leading nowhere, only tempt us to wander on and on until we are hopelessly lost. Let us leap over this maze of self-love instead of trying to explore its endless alleys."

~ Jean-Pierre de Caussade, Abandonment to Divine Providence

I'm always worried about holiness, and growing in holiness, and constantly frustrated by my weakness. Some days it seems I can't even go five minutes, or even 30 seconds, without offending God. And then I berate myself for being worried about being holy, because of course I realize I can't sanctify myself...that's God's job. Today, as I picked up Abandonment to Divine Providence again and read the above passage, I realized it was speaking to me, and this very flaw. It's a very deep-seated flaw, one that trapped me hard back when I wanted to return Home to the Church.

I had come to realize I was still Catholic and I truly wanted to live my life as a Catholic. But that meant going to Confession, and that's where my fear shut me down. I couldn't go. I tried over and over again, but I couldn't go. I knew that part of the Sacrament required having a "firm purpose of amendment", and while I WANTED to have that, I was trapped in a life that I knew I couldn't just shut down by saying I was sorry. Big changes were needed. But as Providence had it, there came a time where some of that life was absent, even for awhile, and it fell upon Holy Week. I went to Confession for the first time in 12 years, and near the end of my Confession, I tearfully told the priest that I knew I was going to commit these sins again and I didn't think I could be forgiven. (I'm not entirely sure that last part was really stated or, if so, understood...but he did know where I was going with my thought process!). The priest gently explained that THIS was EXACTLY why Christ has given us this Sacrament, because under our own power, we can do nothing. We may return again and again with the same sins, but we HAVE to return or we'll never be able to overcome them. We need the grace from the sacrament. We can't make ourselves holy, and we can't save ourselves.

Although I left that evening with great joy, it was another three years before I returned to Confession, because I returned to the same trap; I had to perfect myself. I had to stop doing what I was doing before I could go to Confession. It was like a superstition creeping up on me, making me create my own "ritual" so I could get the antidote. It was so backwards! And I was so confused!

Even today, I tend to fall into that trap, although it has morphed from its original modus operandi. It's much more subtle now, much more difficult for me to detect. It's easy for me now to realize that even if I don't think I have a firm purpose of amendment, I will still go to Confession and let the priest decide if my imperfect contrition is sufficient. And all too often, when I get to the Act of Contrition and say the words, "...but most of all, because I have offended YOU...", the tears come, the contrition comes and my sin crushes me. Because that has happened over and over, I now no longer listen to the evil whispers that try to keep me from Grace.

But it happens differently now, and I don't always catch it, and can't even define it anymore. I simply don't even have the ability to articulate how this propensity of mine has changed, and that alone scares me and is one of the reasons I know I need a Spiritual Director...and I'm still praying to find one!


"Never mind weariness, illness, lack of feeling, irritability, exhaustion, the snares of the devil and of men, with all that they create of distrust, jealousy, prejudice and evil imaginings....We cannot help being aware of all these evils, of course, and we cannot be indifferent to them, but let us never forget that ours is not a life governed by feelings. We must live in those upper reaches of the spiritual life where God and his will are active in a process which is eternal and unchanging."


~ Jean-Pierre de Caussade, Abandonment to Divine Providence

Sometimes I go into the chapel, and I can barely even LOOK at Jesus because I realize how fallen I am. I realize my imperfections and my attachments to the world. I think I'm a disappointment to God and if I can bring myself to lift my eyes to the crucifix, I ask how I could EVER have been worth THAT!? It's hard to grasp how much God loves us, and how freely Jesus went to the Cross...for each of us, individually. Personally.

The Cross changes us; we gaze upon our Lord and we understand that His sacrifice calls us out of ourselves and on to something greater which we can't achieve on our own. We are called to be joined to Him, and as Jesus himself declared, by being raised on the Cross, He would draw all men to Him. As the Cross was raised, and at each Mass, as the Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity are elevated, we are drawn to Him, and united, throughout the world. We are called out of ourselves, out of our fears, out of our attachments, understanding that we are in the very presence of the God who died for us and asks us to die to ourselves. We offer ourselves on the same altar of sacrifice, as we are, including our imperfections. We offer ourselves so that Jesus can make us holy.

There is no room for fear, or feelings or worldly distractions. If we are focused on Christ, none of these temporal matters should distract us. We are fallen creatures; we will fall over and over again, but with our eyes on Jesus, we know where to go and our hope will never die.

We cannot go around worried that we are a disappointment to God; Jesus saw all even from his very conception, and still, He chose to be born, He chose to take us all upon his shoulders when He was baptized in the Jordan, and from the Cross, he looked into our souls and decided in both his humanity and divinity that we, individually, were worth it. Each and every last one of us.

The only way we can disappoint God is if we give up and stop trying.

Never stop trying. In the words of St. Paul, we must finish the race.

Amen
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Friday, June 27, 2008

Let me Tell You What I Think

I ended my massive work project this afternoon, and I couldn't be happier! It was a ton of work, but the Mother of God was in charge and all went well. I'll still have some cleanup to do, mostly in my office, and prep for other events, but as of now, my work hours drop down to 10 hours per week.

I can't live on that. I do have another job for the summer, but I don't think it'll be a lot of hours and it likely won't pay much. But I think it's what I'm supposed to do. This coming week I'll have only my 10 hours, and the rest of the time I'll be off on a "vacation" much needed. On the positive side of things, at least I won't be driving 40 minutes each way every day! God is good, is He not?

Throughout this last year, I've been flying by the seat of my pants at every moment. Things have gone well, and maybe it was a lesson on surrender and trusting God, things I have great difficulty in doing. Each time I thought things were crashing, God answered. I'm certain that He hand-picked my volunteers and although I only met these blessed people this year, I feel like I've known them forever! And I love them and appreciate them like my own family!

But often, I've lamented the job I left...in insurance. Yup. It's not that I wish I hadn't quit...I think quitting was the BEST decision God ever made for me. (Yes, you read that correctly.) This year, even flying by the seat of my pants, even with irregular work hours and all the work on my Master's degree, well, I've NEVER been as stressed-out and bitter as I was in my last job.

I don't see myself remaining in my current position for long, but I'll be there at least, in all liklihood, until my Master's degree is completed (another 2 years), God willing. So this cycle will continue, but God gives us the grace to do what needs to be done...He sure did prove it this week, and I KNOW for certain that Our Lady had me by the hand all week long. But that doesn't mean I have a future where I am.

Just as I knew I didn't have a future where I was. I'm not even sure I have a future in Minnesota, but for now, we'll let that idea lie for I don't know where it's going.

This evening a friend sent me an email, and it got me fired up. Because of my last career, I have a certain level of expertise in an area, and now that I'm no longer burned out, I love talking about it. The old excitement came to me...I loved investigation. I loved typing my password into certain National databases and entering the necessary info in order that the database might spit out important records to help me in my investigation. I loved following the threads, I loved learning new things and trying to figure out the crime and I REALLY loved when we caught someone at their game...and roped them in.

Yet it frustrated me because I knew I was always looking for something negative, and in the midst of an investigation, trying to hold off indignant people who didn't seem to understand the game...that even if they were innocent, I had to ask my questions, I had to do what I had to do and no, I couldn't tell them what I was looking at because it was an investigation and I couldn't compromise it. Most of them only feigned indignance...they knew from day one they were the ones being investigated. Some of them were innocent people who had started out naive and were used to being in control...and couldn't deal with not being in control anymore. Other people really didn't have a clue how the world works and that people commit fraud...and I had to assume everyone was doing this. The trick was to try to keep everyone happy while doing the work in the background. Some days it was incredible...some days it was awful.

Some days I didn't think I could live with myself, even though I was doing nothing wrong. As time went on, I felt we were focusing too much on people who were completely innocent. I developed a "nose" over time, and knew within 5 minutes if someone was lying to me. Yeah, sometimes I got fleeced, which is why "feelings" aren't used to determine fraud. Things were awry...even as the company wanted to save money on investigations, they made us pay stuff that was clearly without merit, and they made me hold off on stuff I knew was clearly legit. And we all made errors.

I'm happy now that I know what I know, and I'm happy that my knowledge can benefit others as well as myself. And let me tell you...I'm VERY protective of claims adjusters. I don't care about the respective companies...in the end, they're all the same. (Although I learned, professionally, that there are certain companies that will NEVER have my business! No, I won't name them.) But the important thing is that they are staffed by people, human beings who are struggling to get the job done, and everywhere there is a very high rate of dissatisfaction. All of the companies are selling out their employees, the people you actually speak to on a daily basis, the people, when you have a claim, that you call, "The Insurance Company."

Individuals aren't "The Company". They are compassionate people with varying levels of experience trying to keep both YOU and their employers happy. They are the ones always thrown under the bus. They are the ones working their fingers to the bone and being villified in the process, being called "incompetent" on behalf of the actions the people above their heads make. Insurance is a very regulated field...adjusters, unless they are independent, are slaves to a system, and in speaking of my past co-workers, they're doing their best. And their work is necessary.

I still get fired up about some of the stuff I learned, and I really get fired up about the people, because if there is ONE thing I learned from my years there, it was to work hard to treat people with respect no matter what the circumstances, whether they were co-workers, co-professionals, competitors, or customers in ANY circumstances. The customer doesn't have to be right in order to deserve respect...they can be wrong and teach you a whole lot about being human.

This post has not gone where I expected, but I hope I said what someone needs to hear, so for now, I'll sign off with a salute to all those who work in the thankless profession of claims adjusting.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

More on Anger

I used to be a very angry person, and for a lot of reasons. The scary thing is that for a few years, I didn't even realize I was angry. I was just existing and it was normal for me to be biting people's heads off. Over time I came to be ashamed of this behavior, but I seemed to be so powerless to stop it.

It wasn't that I was out of control or yelling and screaming all the time. It was just that my irritation with everything and everyone was very close to the surface, and at times, rage seemed to bubble just underneath. I knew I would never hurt anyone physically or do anything insane; my anger was always verbal, but always frustrated. Because I didn't know what to do with it.

I had no where for it to go.

One day, finally, something happened that did frighten me, and I won't say what it was. Suffice to say that I went to Confession, in tears, and confessed my problem with anger. I had to do this a few times. One evening it was a face-to-face Confession, and it was as though I hadn't been to the Sacrament in years, even though it had really only been a couple weeks. I was shaking, I was tearful, and I wanted to run away. I wasn't even sure why I was there...I had no major sins to confess, and I felt like I was wasting the priest's time. He seemed to understand there was something else, and finally I just burst out and told him I was angry and it was like I was rebelling and I didn't even know why! I didn't know what I was rebelling against, or whom, or what. There wasn't a cause...I was just...angry. Always.

I can't remember what he said but we did talk for awhile, and after that...I wasn't angry anymore. That sense of underlying rage was gone.

That's not to say I didn't still have a "temper" or that I didn't get angry. For I was a revert and I was still angry about not having been given authentic teachings about Christ and through Christ while growing up and even as an adult when I was seeking all those answers. I was angry with myself for having followed the wrong path and for staying away from God for so long.

And I was angry with people who continued to follow the wrong path and who attacked the Church which I had come to hold so dear. An insult to Christ and an insult to the Church became a personal insult to ME and a personal attack against ME.

It took time to work all that out. I'll admit I'm still often offended when we as Catholics are attacked for our beliefs, and it's especially painful when those attacks come from the hands of people who claim to be "Catholic", yet they clearly reject all that we as Catholics are about. And it's especially painful when I see the betrayal of our faith coming from the mouths and writings of men who were ordained as priests.

Yes, it does make me angry. But I struggle to keep that anger at bay, because anger isn't helpful.

Anger cannot co-exist with chaity. Acceptance of one excludes the other. Anger has its place, but it tends to become a monster if it is harbored, and it grows...anger doesn't fade when we hold on to it. It nudges and pricks and irritates until we mull on it and then it has us. Satan loves to use the emotion of anger to get to us...because then he doesn't have to do anything. We fall so EASILY when we talk ourselves into the idea that our anger is "righteous" and therefore it is OK.

Anger cannot co-exist with forgiveness. We may become angry with a friend or a relative, and perhaps there's a good reason for it. But we have to be willing to let the anger go...if we remain angry, we can't forgive. And our Lord will not forgive us if we are not willing to forgive others. Holding onto anger is another way of refusing to truly forgive.

Anger absolutely has its place...read the psalms! If you are angry or upset, go to the psalms and page through until you find one that matches what you're feeling. Each psalm is a prayer, and each is MEANT to be prayed! No, perhaps we don't want God to have vengeance on our best friend who wronged us in some way, but even as we read the psalm, we can offer our anger to our Lord, and let the words of the psalm talk us back to reason. God knows what's truly in our hearts and He knows we are weak and given to following our emotions. He is always waiting for us to come to him, even with that. We cannot be angry AT God, but we can express our anger to Him, invite Him into it, and ask Him to direct it appropriately or help us to let it go.

I thank God all the time for taking my anger from me. I'm still VERY flawed, and I tend to be very crabby and irritable especially under stress, but that is a FAR CRY from where I used to be. And it's something I continue to work on and try to master. Often, the response of others towards me has humbled me. Even as I snap and snark around, God has surrounded me with calming presences, people who don't flinch at my minor temper tantrums, not even batting an eye. Were the roles reversed and they were snapping at me, I'd be likely to snap back worse. And then feel horrible about it.

There's something to be said for responding to the anger in others with humility and steadfastness. It does a great deal to tame that beast. And all too often, I let that beast in and I feed it. It's the peacefulness of others that starves it and restores me.

Sometimes we must get angry, and there is a difference between reacting to something and harboring the anger, but we must be vigilant that the former does not become the latter.
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Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Why Be Angry?

There's a lot happening here in our Archdiocese. Our Archbishop is away receiving the pallium in Rome, and it's the local "gay pride"fest, which, sadly, is being promoted and supported by some local parishes claiming to be Catholic. But the Archbishop put an end to it and understandably, those affected are up at arms because it's something they've been allowed to do before this...for years.

After my own real conversion, I also used to become very upset at these people...but for the opposite reason that they are angry with the Church. I was angry because I'd been a dissident, too, and I was angry because I wasn't fed the Truth. I thirsted long and hard for God, and I was fed raw tripe and lead down a path towards Hell. A path I happily followed!

I was angry because other people are out there even now believing the crap I learned and leading others into the same crap and they're all standing on their heads in it and calling it ambrosia. And they think that their form of ambrosia is "Catholicism".

And...when true Catholicism rears its apparently-ugly head in the face of the crap they've deciced to call "truth" they are angry because the Church refuses to conform to their preferences.

I'm not angry anymore, though. Now I understand.

First of all, those dissidents are not Catholic. They may have been baptized Catholic, and they may have recieved some of the sacraments, but sadly, they were never catechized and they don't know what it means to be Catholic...so they've made it up as they've gone, just as their parents did. And they were encouraged by clergy that was not properly formed and thought they were being "pastoral" by indulging the spirit of the age.

They didn't know what monsters of Modernism they were creating.

The local dissidents that are wreaking so much havoc are such "textbook" Modernists that I did in fact use their rhetoric in a recent paper as it illustrated very concisely what Pope St. Pius X was saying about Modernism.

But let's back up a little and define a few terms.

Let's talk about Faith

Faith is a supernatural gift, but it's also natural. All of us can have some sort of natural faith. We can believe in God based on what we see in this world and use our physical reality to determine that there is, in fact, an absolute cause and beginning of everything.

Supernatural faith, though, accepts an objective truth that cannot be known through reason alone, for not all that we know of God is something found in nature, but comes from revelation. The Jews were the first recipients of Divine Revelation, and that Revelation was carried on in Christianity, and given into the custody of what we now recognize as the Magisterium of the Church. Divine Revelation ended with Jesus. However, our Lord gave the authority to interpret revelation into the hands of Peter and the Apostles, and it now rests in the hands of our Pope and the entire teaching authority of our Bishops. Together, they make up the Magisterium.

We obey them because Christ Himself gave them authority, and this is a Divine Revelation. It is not just the Pope who is infallable when speaking ex cathedra on issues of faith and morals, but the entire college of bishops in union with the Pope. Infallability is also contained in Sacred Tradition, through teachings that have ALWAYS been part of our faith since the time of Christ. This would include teachings against homosexuality, abortion, contraception, and female ordination.

In any case, a rejection of Divine Revelation is a rejection of God, and through this, one, if they ever had it, loses the gift of Supernatural Faith. They can STILL have NATURAL faith, but they are limited, for they are refusing to see with the mind and heart of God. Grace is still available to them...but until they are willing to accept objective truth, that is, a Truth that transcends their own person and subjective personal beliefs, they cannot pass beyond natural faith.


Dissidents have only natural faith. They have rejected Divine Revelation. They do not have Supernatural Faith. They are earthbound.


WHAT IS MODERNISM?

The following is from my paper:

St. Pius X called Modernism the “synthesis of all heresies”, for indeed, it embraces heresies condemned in the early Church and by the First Vatican Council. Modernism is built upon the agnostic philosophy of Kant, who divorces metaphysical knowledge from reason, denying that we can know anything about God through reason. His philosophy makes everything subjective to one’s own experience and “mental categories”. This is contrary to the Catholic understanding, for we realize that we can, in fact, know God through His work and we have the ability recognize the signs of credibility that reveal God through creation and through history.

Modernists reject the idea that God can be known from without; they embrace the concept of immanence, that religion comes from within man, and comes from a certain personal experience. It is completely subjective, so lends to the next logical conclusion that in fact, all religions must be the same and equally valid, for no one can argue with another person’s personal experience. Additionally, there is the idea of “evolution”; modernism has an evolutionary character, meaning that over time it develops in response to man’s own subjective beliefs or needs or desires. They equate a “living religion” with a constant state of fluidity, and in fact, much of what we witness in modernism can be called “New Age”, for it leads one towards a certain “divinization,” making themselves God, deciding for themselves what is right or wrong not according to an external and objective “deposit of faith”, but rather that internal evolution or divinization. The additional factor of modernism is one of a collective unconscious, and this is what forms dogma. The big question is where the world is going and what they should do to look to the future and be “prophetic”.


DOES THAT SOUND FAMILIAR?

The reality is that those who are currently protesting the Archbishop are not protesting him, but Christ himself. This isn't news. These people have rejected Divine Revelation, although I have to wonder if they ever KNEW what they were rejecting? They've likely never been taught. And that's what makes reaching them so difficult. They're not defining terms to anything other than political alignments as they have no concept of theological terms separate from the politicization they have thrust upon God. They have no theological terms that apply to the human person; all that they believe and hold dear is divorced from metaphysics...to them, nothing transcends the present reality and it is only what is immanent that is "real" and "definitive".

For someone to come from "outside" and suggest that their own personal decisions are somehow incorrect is an unimanginable violation! They simply can't comprehend how the Archbishop can come along and suggest that those who don't follow Catholic teaching aren't really Catholic! For they have defined Catholicism (and every other religion) according to their own personal terms and they have not met with much resistance. That resistance that they HAVE met has been counteracted by affirmations from heretics or unbaptized pagans within their own groups who ascribe to the same fundamental philosophical and theological errors.

I'm not angry anymore...I don't have the time. Or the patience. Anger is wearing, and the more anger I see from that side of things, the more I realize how we, as those with the gift of Supernatural Faith must be willing to listen, even as we disagree.

I'm not a debator. It's not my gift. I can share my faith, I can live my faith, but I will NEVER be a person who gets "down and dirty" with people who want all the answers RIGHT NOW. I can't give them. I'm more "contemplative" and I need to think before I speak both for reasons of intellect and reasons of virtue. It's one of the reasons I write and will never make an effective Apologist.

We have no right to be angry with the dissidents; they don't even understand what limb or sense they are missing because it has either never been granted to them on this earth or it has been lopped off by those who went before them and did them such injustice. We might as well be angry with a blind person because they can't see a roadsign!

Our response must be compassion and certitude in what we KNOW to be TRUE. We cannot argue ANYONE into the Church...we love them into it. We stand firm in what is true, right along with the Archbishop, and we must be matter-of-fact. Those who disagree will disagree and that is their right; for God gave them free will.

They can reject God if they want; our job is not to be angry, but to love as Christ loved and to be crucified as He was crucified, even at the hands of those who hate Archbishop Neinstedt and the rest of Christ's Church.

Are you willing to be angry...or are you willing to be Catholic? There is no middle ground.

Choose.

Looking Forward

In one month from today, God willing, I'm going to be waking up in Cleveland.

Yup. I'm leaving Minnesota. Only for a weekend, though. It's been a long time since I traveled anywhere, and when I did, it was for training, and it was on the Company dime. And I had little time for fun. Although we did take an evening to go to Yborr City in the Tampa area, and I got a tattoo.

I will NOT be getting a tattoo in Cleveland.

Here's what's ironic....for nearly 5 years I worked for a company based in Cleveland, and never went there. And never wanted to go there. Now that I don't work at that company, I am flying out to Cleveland and I CAN'T WAIT!

How's THAT for irony?

I've just got to figure out what to bring my friends from Minnesota. This morning I was surfing a little and saw a sign:

"Unattended children will be given espresso and a free puppy."

I'm just looking for an excuse to buy that sign and give it to someone. If I can think of a reason, I'm going to buy it and give it to some lucky friend in Ohio.

Well, off to clean up for work! 3 days left.

And come to think of it...I need to call on my second job...I think they want me to start Monday, and next week is a short week. And I NEED to get 10 hours in at my "real" job, because that's where my benefits come from.

So much to do! So little time!

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Summer Blues

The pace of life everywhere slows down when summer hits. People are out enjoying days off, days out of school, sunny summer weather, trips to beaches and cabins and parks, and in general, they are getting away from the computer and experiencing life.

Myself, I haven't felt like writing. I've had a lot of things to mull over and many things I'm not likely to discuss here or anywhere else. And I need to go back to reading...books. Not heavy theological tomes which will be used to write papers, but books for entertainment, for relaxation and renewal of my own spirit.

I'm still praying LOH, although now it tends to be light on morning prayer and more regular evening prayer as in the mornings, I'm insanely busy and don't have the luxury, as I did before this week, to go to the church or chapel. After this week, though a new routine will be born and we'll see what happens.

For quite a while I was out of the habit of going to Daily Mass. I often wanted to go but wasn't able to because of my schedule. Now, gratefully, I should be able to go every day this week, and hopefully throughout July. There will come a time when it will be impossible again, but for all things there are seasons, and that applies to our spiritual lives as well.

For now, though, I have nothing more to say, and so I sign off and wish you all a blessed night.
*

Saturday, June 21, 2008

To Whom Do We Show Mercy?


A few days ago, I felt the familiar sharp pangs in my hands, right in the center of my palms, that tends to prefigure a carpal-tunnel flare-up. And indeed, if I moved too quickly the pain shot up my arms, making even my skin feel inflamed for a moment, sensitive to the touch.

I've learned to associate this pain with the Crucifixion, and even thank the Lord for it, as it draws me closer to Him especially in understanding His suffering. It made me think of His invitaton to all of us to suffer with Him, to unite our trials with His.

This often leads me to the consideration of mercy, learned in my class on the Writings of John Paul II, in which we read in Dives in miseriacordia:

"Christ, precisely as the crucified one...is the one who stands at the door and knocks at the heart of every man, without restricting his freedom, but instead seeking to draw from this very freedom love, which is not only an act of solidarity with the suffering Son of Man, but also a kind of 'mercy' shown by each one of us to the Son of the eternal Father. In the whole of this messianic program of Chjrist, in the whole revelation of mercy throught he cross, could man's dignity be more highly respected and ennobled, for in obtaining mercy he is in a sense the one who is at the same time 'shown mercy?'"



It is Christ in His extreme suffering that elicits mercy from us, causing us to seek to offer consolation. We cannot help but be affected when we regard the blood that penetrates our own hearts, sluicing through the open wounds ruptured through the scourging that we deserved, pouring through and over the thorns to which we were sentenced, and opening in a floodgate by the spear that we only hope will pierce our souls so opening us to the grace God has ready for us.

When we see His suffering, we cannot help, even in our own sinfulness, but desire to reach outward to Him to wipe the blood from His divine countenance, to wrestle the thorns from His head, to remove the nails that pierced His hands and feet. Yet we find, when we reach out in a pure desire of consolation, that the thorns rip cruelly into our own flesh. We find that as we seek to remove His nails, we ourselves become impaled upon the wood of the cross, united with Christ in a way we could never expect. It is in our own sufferings that we are finally united with our crucified Lord and find ourselves on Calvary, given the option to offer solidarity...or derision.

There are no other options. We can either carry on our work of consoling our Lord through our own sufferings...or we can refuse His grace and suffer in derision without seeking redemption. He who reveals His mercy to us also solicits our own via his path to the Cross, and demands that we accept our own crosses and follow Him yet all the while respecting our free will to deny Him and walk away. It is a consolation to Christ whenver we do what we are called to do. Even our small obediences are a victory, even our small pains accepted with willingness lead us closer to the mystery of God.

Christ can do a lot more with us when our feet are pierced and bleeding in solidarity with Him than He can when we are fleeing His own consolation in favor of what we think is solid ground. We cannot find Christ unless we are willing to reach through the thorns and let them rend our own flesh, allowing our own blood to mingle with that of our beloved Savior.
*

Hope, Health, and Happiness

So my birthday came and went...with little notice from me. Because I didn't care. Because I was so sick.

On Thursday about mid-afternoon I was hit with some kind of a bug, which I suspect may be some form of food poisoning. The weird element to it, though, was the joint and muscle aches...it was just awful! So between thinking food was killing me or maybe I got the flu, I didn't know what to do.

Yesterday morning I was still miserable, but unfortunately, I don't currently have the luxury of calling in sick; I HAD to be at work as this is one of the biggest weekends of my year, going into the biggest week from Hell of my year. Apparently God saw fit to make me suffer even more for it, so I struggled to "offer it up" and I think I failed miserably. But we made it, and we all got a lot accomplished. More to do today, and some things I realized I forgot.

Today I'm feeling better, and very excited that I can drink coffee again! I'm convinced that the worst possible torture is to be deprived of coffee AND have to go to work and keep smiling.

It's going to be several crazy days, so right now I'm just thankful that perhaps I can begin eating something other than chicken broth and a few saltines.

Last night my Mom called, of course, and she was aware that I was sick and really not interested in food; I was both torturously hungry from not having eaten solid food in over 24 hours, and paradoxically, the idea of eating was worse than a thousand deaths?

So what was her first question? Where do I want to go out to eat when we celebrate my birthday? I nearly fell over just trying not to think about food! I told her we could talk about it later. And then, typical Mom-style (YOU know...!), she goes on talking about a friend of hers and where they went to eat and began to detail the restaurant...

I had to cut her off...I could not listen to more about food! I think she managed to abstain from that topic from that point on. Thankfully.

Today I think I can contemplate eating, even if I find I can't really eat. I'm just excitd to have a cup of coffee! Yay!

Hmmm...apparently there IS something to fasting, especially one brutally enforced. This morning, even in the remnants of sickness, the world is more beautiful than it has been in...well, a few days at least! And I have so much more appreciation for the small things.

God is so good...maybe this sickness really was a special birthday gift to me, straight from His heart to mine?
*

Thursday, June 19, 2008

New Priest

This morning I finally had a chance to attend Daily Mass and was pleased to see that not only was our Transitional Deacon present, but so was our new Associate who was ordained at the end of April. I've known the good Deacon for several months, prior to his assignment at my parish, but it was good to greet him again today. And of course I wanted to welcome our new Associate so was glad for the opportunity.

He won't remember me...I'm really a forgettable person, don't stand out in a crowd (um...except for my current bright fuscia streaks in my hair), and he's of course overwhelmed by the numbers of people at our parish. So as I introduced myself, I did explain to him that no, he won't remember me, and our last Associate just introduced me as "a thorn in his side", so that's apparently my job. (Yes, it was a joke, and I turned it on the last Associate when introducing him to my mother a few years ago!)

In all seriousness, though, we've been extremely blessed at our parish. Because we're huge, a lot of new priests pass through for a couple years and then are moved on to other parishes, some going on to become Pastors. All of them have been wonderful, each has been an inspiration to me personally in some way (and have been to others as well) and I've always been sad to see them go. Yet when one is moved, we know another is coming who may have new insights and an entirely different method of inspiring the faithful to greater holiness.

I have the greatest respect for our priests, I'm so thankful for them, and so appreciative of the gifts they bring to our parish. Without those who have been at my parish both present and previously, I would not be where I am today, both spiritually and in temporal matters. God bless them all. I'm only one soul...how many others do they affect on a daily basis?

Please remember to pray for your priests every day. We ask for their prayers all the time...they need ours even more.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Thousand-Yard Stare

I've seen it, in the eyes of a young State Trooper. When I was in high school on a ride-along with another officer. I've never forgotten what that officer and a friend of mine told me; that look belonged to a man who had been involved in a shooting. He didn't talk about it. No one asked. It was the unspoken rule that one never speaks to a person who has killed another on the Job. Those who have been there know what it's like but the "uninitiated" have no right to infringe on that sacred ground.

Today at work, (yes, in all the chaos) a conversation came up; someone learned that I was once in Law Enforcement, and she asked what it meant to be a Catholic and be wearing a gun. Sadly, I was not a practicing Catholic at the time, but admittedly, that career was one that brought me closer to God in a multitude of ways. I can still hear the sound of a round being jacked into the chamber of an SKS as I stood on the other side of the door realizing my vest would not protect me.

That person asked me...what about now? Now that I am a practicing Catholic? Have my views changed?

No. Because unfortunately, sometimes the police have to pull the trigger. They don't want to. But they train for it, and all that is needed is for training to take over. In the end, it's not really the cop that shoots the perp; it's the training that does it. A wealth of knowledge and understanding that takes hold in a fraction of a second, for the purpose of defending life. And even at that, it's not an easy decision; it's a necessary one.

A devastating one for all involved.

Most people don't hear the real stories of the shootings that you see and hear about on the news. Most people just dissociate themselves and depersonalize all those involved, for that tends to be the nature of crime reporting.

When I was in training, I remember some guys talking about shootings as though they were a good thing. I knew a lot of guys who never aspired to the Job (thank God!) who spoke of police killings as a feather in one's cap, a badge of honor. And indeed, oftentimes, an officer who finds it necessary to pull the trigger and is justified (after a lengthy and in-depth investigation) is often given that proverbial badge-made-reality. But he doesn't want it. She doesn't want it.

Killing people is never a good thing. Even in self-defense and with the authority of the State on behalf of the lives of others. But it's better than allowing innocent lives to be lost. Judge, jury and executioner...in the hands of someone you hope and pray is properly trained to make that decision.

And in reality, there is no real training that can prepare one for such a result. That's part of the reason why cops are taken off the Job for awhile after a "Critical Incident". It's not just for the investigation; it's about the officer's sanity.

I'm glad that even before I was deeply into my training I met that Trooper with the "thousand-yard stare". It gave me a depth of understanding and made me truly consider how I'd feel if I were called upon to make that terrible call.

But yes, as a Catholic, a practicing Catholic, I could pull that trigger. I still own a gun, and I have no doubt that if it came to it, I could take a life. But I'd be changed forever.

Talk to Veterens. Talk to ex-police officers. Speak to those who have seen the worst. They'll tell you stories and they'll tell you all sorts of gory things you've never wanted to know. But they won't talk about THAT. They won't discuss it. It goes too deep, it has changed who they are and has placed a scar upon their souls that cannot be healed in this life.

Pray for police officers. Pray for soldiers. Pray for all those who are called to those fields. You'll never know the stories and you'll never see the scars, and that makes your prayers all the more necessary.
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Overwhelming

I am in the throes of the final prep for a HUGE project at work, and I have no idea what I'm doing. This entire thing is "my baby" and I never wanted it, but I knew when I accepted the job this came with it. I've dreaded this since last fall, and I'm dreading it now.

Next week when it all comes to an end, if I don't post or if I can't be found on my Facebook account (yes, I gave in and got one), send someone to look for me at work. I'll probably be curled up in a corner crying and twirling my hair and quoting random lines from "The Princess Bride" or maybe "Monty Python's Holy Grail".

I have tomorrow off, even though I do need to be at work. But if I don't take tomorrow, which is the ONLY POSSIBLE day I can take between now and when it ends next Friday, I'll go crazy in very short order. As it is, I'll be working 8 days in a row, all of them very stressful for me. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad for someone who loves this kind of thing, but I'm not that person.

But God is good and He has answered many prayers and sent to me many many very gifted people. But still, thosse gifted people still need my direction because that's my job. This morning I already thought I was going to explode; our computer servers were FINALLY up, and I had a few emails to respond to from volunteers. As I pulled up a page, I saw I had 2 voicemails and began to listen to them...both very very long and including details that were not relevant to ANYTHING and just wasted my time. Then my cell phone rang while I was trying to get to the end of the first other voice mail message so that I wouldn't have to listen to it again. Then two or three volunteers showed up needing things, which we'd been working on but they needed further direction and had to get out the door in short order to make other appointments...and still the first message was going on. And on. And on. And my volunteers were waiting. But the messages were also from two VERY important volunteers without whom this program couldn't happen. It couldn't happen without ANY of them!

And then my co-workers started in on things, and we had an office volunteer in so they were looking for me to find work for her, but I wasn't prepared because I was on the phone. And as soon as my volunteers left the office so I could get stuff for the office volunteer, my phone rang again and it was a different subject but something very necessary and related to my other larger job, my overall job.

But it took a lot of time, time that she needed, and I gladly gave it even realizing that the minutes were ticking away.

So then the office volunteer came in and handed ME more things, not understanding that I was on the phone and couldn't deal with her at that moment (and she's not prone to waiting even when it's obvious).

And then..and then..and then...

And so on and so forth. So there I was, swamped. So overwhelmed I didn't know what to do next or how to do it. But a task came to mind so I set about doing it (and will have to work on it tomorrow, too...because I need supplies and tomorrow is the only time I can get them). And then another volunteer came in with some stuff and wanted more info and more info about things until I finally realized that she was asking about something another volunteer was in charge of, so I just threw up my hands and said, "I don't care! That part isn't my responsiblity right now! Talk to Mrs. X.! She's in charge!"

Thank God the volunteer I said that to is a Saint with a sense of humor! And dang, that felt good to officially delegate something that I really don't have to worry about!

And I just realized I didn't return one of the long messages. I tried but couldn't reach her and never got back to calling her.

But that last volunteer, God bless her was trying really hard to help and she's done so much and I just love her to pieces. And she told me that the program is an impending success, God is in charge, He wouldn't send me so many participants if we weren't ready, and that my gift might not be organization but it is overseeing.

Except that it's not. I know it's not my gift because it's so overwhelming I can't take it. And I don't like it. I know for a FACT it's not a spiritual gift because I took that test and I was overwhelmingly NOT gifted in: leadership, mercy, administration, or anything pastoral. (Yes, those are all spiritual gifts.)

The same kinds of things I'm struggling with now are EXACTLY the things that destroyed my previous career in Insurance; too much coming at me at once, too many things to handle over a prolonged period of time.

I am NOT cut out to direct, manage, or lead. But for better or worse, God has placed me in this position and I'm doing my best to live up to it. Before I left work this evening, I went to the office to make sure I had no mail that needed to be dealt with as I won't be in tomorrow. There was an envelope for me and initially I cringed.

It was a Birthday card from the secretary, signed by her only, so not an office card, and the second I read it I nearly burst into tears! She didn't say anything special, it wasn't a big deal, so that just tells me how overwhelmed I really am. I KNOW I bit a few heads off today and this week when everyone has been so nice and so helpful to me. And then reading that in an abandoned building after everyone has gone home...

I have more to say on that but this is getting long and I'm so stressed out I'm ready to cry.
*

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

What is Love?


Gospel
Mt 5:43-48

Jesus said to his disciples:
“You have heard that it was said,
You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.
But I say to you, love your enemies
and pray for those who persecute you,
that you may be children of your heavenly Father,
for he makes his sun rise on the bad and the good,
and causes rain to fall on the just and the unjust.
For if you love those who love you, what recompense will you have?
Do not the tax collectors do the same?
And if you greet your brothers only,
what is unusual about that?
Do not the pagans do the same?
So be perfect, just as your heavenly Father is perfect.”


This afternoon a coworker and I were discussing the reality of why we do what we do. I mused on this further as I drove home this afternoon, realizing more and more the depth and truth of these words. I did not go to Mass today, and I had not yet read the readings...until now. Yet I am not surprised that the Gospel reading for today matches our topic of today's random discussion, for that happens all the time. The Holy Spirit is always close and guides us even in the small things.

Funny how the small things, though, are really the big things in the metaphysical sense of the word.

We live our lives in accordance with the love we have for God. It all flows from Him. He is our source, He is our font, He is our goal. All comes from Him, and all is ultimately reflected back to Him.

We do not love our neighbor because we necessarily find our neighbor to be pleasant. We love our neighbor because we love God, and thus our actions towards our neighbors are a natural overflow from the love we give to God. He is like a fountain; He pours His love out upon us, and we must be open to receive it. In fact, we seek to return that love, which results in a massive overflow that must go SOMEWHERE, and because God loves us all, our overflow cascades upon others. We see only God...but our neighbor benefits.

All passions are tamed when we consider that God is our only audience. All trials become easy when we realize God has gone there before us and beckons us onward. All things become bearable when we understand that we carry only the tiniest burden. Our lives are only dust, even tiny motes in God's eyes...and yet in the context of love we realize that if we are dust motes in God's eyes, we are jewels in His presence for eternity.

The Daytime Prayer for today carried this message:

Law finds its fulfillment in love.

But what is love? Our world knows little about love. In California today, they declared marriage to be legal between same-sex couples. That's not love. That's indulgence, profanity, blasphemy and insanity. It's completely contrary to the natural order of things.

The Law of this world and the Law of God often clash in such ways, and we can only truly find our freedom in following God's Law, which has its foundation and result in Love, which is God Himself.

True love is contrary to self-seeking and personal preference. It is wholly sacrificial, it overflows from the virtue of humility, asking us only to take a back seat so that God can do His work. There is no room for anger or envy when one's focus is God. There is no room for dissent, as love wholly focuses on the other. Good is defined through the actions and definitions of God, not our own relative opinions. Love is objective; our distortion of love causes the blindness of dissent.

EVENING PRAYER, Romans 12:9-12

Your love must be sincere. Detest what is evil, cling to what is good. Love one another with the affection of brothers. Anticipate each other in showing respect. Do not grow slack but be fervent in spirit; he whom you serve is the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient under trial, persevere in prayer.


Sincerity is fully lacking in our world today. We are a lost people, but not a people without hope. And we may even find joy in our impending sufferings, as all of us who truly seek God's face will be put to the test in union with the cross of Christ; the ultimate message of Love's victory over Death.

Something is coming. Trials we have never before experienced in this country will befall us, and our only recourse will be to find refuge in the Sacred Heart of Jesus as we accept the martyrdom of the Cross. If we do not go to our crosses with a sense of sacrifice on behalf of those who hate us, we will not find our Lord waiting on the other side. What must define us is love, a love that requires us to die to ourselves in order to live for others.

It was Jesus who revealed this true meaning of love...are we willing to even try to live up to it?
*

Monday, June 16, 2008

Backsliding

Tonight after a wonderful conversation with a friend, I went through some old posts, looking for something specific.

As I did so, I clicked on random posts either because I wasn't sure what they were about or their title reminded me of some particular trial or experience. So I read through them, amazed. Because one should be advancing in holiness....not backsliding. I'm backsliding. The more I look back on my journey, the more I see a disconnect between where I seemed to be heading...and where I am now.

It seems I was a better Catholic and far more attuned to God one year ago than I am right now.

I am so lost...here I was, hoping I was doing better, really even having MORE tools now to approach holiness, and yet, I am so far away. I'm not even CLOSE to being a Saint! Not that I was a year ago, either, but now...even further.

Thank you, Jesus, for this lesson in humility, a reminder that I have to keep striving, and that, without You...I can do nothing.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

On Prayer

From today's Office of Readings:

From a treatise on the Lord's Prayer by Saint Cyprian, bishop and
martyr:

When we pray, our words should be calm, modest and disciplined. Let us reflect that we are standing before God. We should please him both by our bodily posture and the manner of our speech. It is characteristic of the vulgar to shout and make a noise, not those who are modest. On the contrary, they should employ a quiet tone in their prayer.

Moreover, in the course of his teaching, the Lord instructed us
to pray in secret. Hidden and secluded places, even our own rooms, give witness to our believe that God is present everywhere; that he sees and hears all; that in the fullness of his majesty, he penetrates hidden and secret places.


...For God hears our heart not our voice. He sees our thoughts;
he is not to be shouted at.


A few years ago, subsequent to attending a Life in the Spirit seminar (about 4 months subsequent), I began to attend the Charismatic group's prayer meetings, which I continued to do for about six months or so, I think. Maybe a bit longer. I never felt it was truly "my place", but at the time, it felt like I needed to be there for some reason. But over time I just stopped going; a need, whatever it was, had been filled.

The people were wonderful, most attended Daily Mass and I would see them in our Adoration chapel from time to time. It was and remains a good group of faithful Catholics. God bless them!

However, I continued to have an extreme discomfort with their style of worship. Charismatic Masses made me cringe, even as I tried not to. I didn't like having a band performing at Mass, I felt it was an abuse for people to be praying in tongues at the Elevation, and I've NEVER been given to waving my hands in the air - except in law enforcement training when I was the suspect.

But I sincerely tried out this particular spirituality. At the time, I worked into the evening so usually missed the first half hour of the meeting, which was just fine...because it was "praise and worship", which meant..yup...hand-waving, singing in tongues, etc. It all seemed so "1970's" to me, and I preferred, if I had the time, to spend it in the chapel in silence. I NEEDED that silence, and it was in that silence that the Lord spoke to me and I to Him. After a stressful day at work in a job I hated, I needed silence, not more noise.

Yes, I enjoy Contemporary Christian music and listen to it all the time. But my form of "praise and worship" actually resembles the description given by St. Cyprian above, as opposed to the innovations of the CCR and Protestant forms of worship.

I am NOT slamming the Catholic Charismatic Renewal! I'm only saying that it wasn't for me; it wasn't my style of worship and never would be. And perhaps that's why I was drawn to the group; to reveal to me what I was and what I was NOT called to do.

I have had some people suggest to me that God pushes us out of our comfort zone and maybe I'm supposed to be a Charismatic. I disagree; God does force us outside of our boxes, but that doesn't mean we are to constantly experience spiritual discomfort. What was I doing in a loud prayer meeting when I desperately needed to be silent at the feet of Jesus in the Adoration chapel? I can't enter into true prayer after a bunch of songs. I have learned through experience that the only way for me to really encounter God and enter into a conversation with Him is through being quiet. Even in Adoration, often that conversation can't even begin until my hour is nearly up.

On one occasion, when one of the people in the prayer group asked me why I was always late, I explained that before I came, I was spending time in the chapel with Jesus. That person asked me, "Don't you think Jesus would want you to be here with us praising and worshiping him?"

I wish I'd had a copy of St. Cyprian's treatise to hand that individual. What I was doing WAS praising and worshiping Jesus. Every time we act in accordance with God's will for us, it is an act of praise and worship.

Somehow, people have gotten the idea that "Praise and Worship" means screaming (sometimes) bad music at the top of one's lungs while waving one's hands in the air and speaking in babble. And for some people...well, maybe that's what God wants them to do. But that doesn't apply to all of us. Clearly, the Church Fathers would have something to say about the true meaning of praise and worship, and how it originates from within, from that interior connection to God. And St. Cyprian did say that very thing, using David and his psalms as an example.

Prayer doesn't have to be noisy. It shouldn't be noisy, as far as I'm concerned. We're standing before GOD...my guess is that if we TRULY realized what happens at the consecration, we'd all fall prone to the floor, in an awed silence.

Only a fool breaks the silence in the presence of a King. We are all fools...every one of us. We can't comprehend what is before us and Whose presence we are in. We have only a tenuous grasp on this mystery, even if we can argue and explain the theology. If we TRULY understood....

Please don't fill my combox with a defense of the CCR. I'm not attacking it. I'm only explaining my own spirituality, towards the silent, ordered, and contemplative versus the charismatic style of vocal prayer.

To each their own, and the Church is big enough to hold us all. But give me a few minutes in the chapel any day with Jesus and spare me from the contemporary definition of "praise and worship."